Good Different

I always knew I was different. I grew up with my cousins around me but I was always left out. Even their parents do not want me to spend much time with them. I was always pushed away. Growing up I soon realized that I am more like my mother, she grew up with a different perspective and I can sense it was quite difficult and challenging to adopt to the new family she has to live with - my father’s. At present she seems fine with everyone around but if you look closely, you will sense the tension. How she shields herself even before any sign of attack has shown. I am at a better position than her right now because I can mingle a bit with my cousins but there’s that sense of awkwardness around the elders.

I do not recall being bullied at school, I say that is a good thing because I am the type of person who looks back in the past very often. One of the points of how I am different. From where I have lived since I was babe, people her always look forward for the future and barely look at the past. In high school I could now tell I was a bit distant to all my other classmates because when I graduated I realized how little close friends I have and non of them are long-term. It started here where I like to stay indoors and surf the net, or toggle with Photoshop, and play around with Sony Vegas. That made me isolate myself from the people outside but I was and am somehow fine with it because I love what I do.

Now in college I have made a new set of friends who I am not very sure if they will last forever but I know they are keepers. They know I am different, VERY different from the ordinary people that they know. Like how I prefer American shows that local ones, beyond that I love Broadway shows made to movies, how I speak and understand English MORE than I could with our own Tagalog, how I can understand the British accent while they have no clue, and of course my obsession to my One True Paring in Fanfictions - Jelsa (Jack Frost of Rise of the Guardians x Elsa of Frozen). Compared to my mother, well we both have exotic tastes but in different parts of it. I cannot compare the level though.

I have accepted my difference and how I cannot freely talk to people about my perspective which is why I turn to the internet and talk to people on different sites who have the same interests with me, but I still wish that there were someone close by who I can feel physically to sit with me and just talk and understand everything or just most of it.

Black Star

Black Star

by Ana Irenea Olmedo

December, December,

O how I remember,

 The cold wind against my cheek

My lips kissed by the poorly lit night.

I never thought I'd miss it

Having you by my side.

The stars in the sky,

The stars by the window,

we adore

 I remember you,

I remember love,

I remember it all,

I remember us.

I made up this poem last night just before I went to sleep. My boyfriend has been miles away from me for 5 months now. Whenever I'm at school and I walk past the places where we used to recollect a lot I tend to miss him. This December has been the first time where I actually missed him when I'm at school and I wanted to cry but I can't because I'm in public.

I sent this poem as a group message last night to him and to my friends. No feedback was given. I wonder if he even read it. I just miss him and I'm going to miss him more this Christmas and New Year because he's not coming home. :(

Dreams and Addiction

I can now conclude that I am addicted to this new Manga-turned-to-Anime series. The series is called Sword Art Online (family photo below). This series is about people from young ages to old ones and they meet in a virtual world where you can kill people, fly, play with swords, guns, be able to face your fears and just be an entire different person from who you truly are.

In my dream, I was well aware that I wasn't in a game. Only that I was influenced by the show I watched. This morning I dreamed about physically hurting my boyfriend's sister. I knew that I was doing wrong but I didn't mind because I was frustrated by her. I kept on pulling her hair and hitting her head on the walls. The most frustrating part was she never looked hurt. 

In my other dream just 40 minutes ago, I was in a different place. There were car chasing, different people, Arabs, Americans, Filipinos, my family was there. 3 of us had this invisibility power. Anyway, I was beside the driver through a rough and muddy path up the mountain but I wasn't scared at all. In fact, I was enjoying it. Then the scene changed, it was a ride like a roller coaster but wet. It had huge logs rolling side by side to carry our boat up to the top and when we got there it paused to dry our clothes and clear the boat with water. Eventually it dropped us and we got wet again. And the scene changed again, we were in an actual roller coaster and the ride had just started. We were about to begin with the fast speed of the roller coaster when I noticed that people were near the rails and I got worried they'd get hit. I was beginning to imagine blood all over my face. But before we could begin with the fast speed of the ride I woke up.

Now I don't know how to explain those dreams of mine but they had 1 thing in common, it was set in a carnival. The first dream we were captured and taken to a carnival. There was even a crying baby in the scene. So I guess since I watched SAO a lot these past 2 weeks, I could say I can blame them. But I'm going to observe myself if I'll have a common dream tonight.

March 7, 2013

                Today is the day that I realized I am starting to have feelings for this person who I’ve know for four years now. His name is Stuart, he’s supposed to be my batch mate but he had to repeat first year high school. Yesterday, around 5pm in the afternoon at the school grounds. I saw him with his grade 9 friend (I don’t know the name of the girl). They were sitting so close to each other at the bottom of the flag pole and as I was glancing at them as I passed by I felt jealous. For the first time in a few months, I’ve actually felt jealousy.

                But that’s no my worry tonight. I can conclude that my feelings for Stuart is starting to develop, but I can ask this; “is he the next guy I’d say those 3 words 8 letters to?”. As you should know, I’m always in this situation where my theme song would be “Torn Between Two Lovers”. Well, in my situation right now I only have one lover, Stuart. My dilemma you ask?

Stuart is a fun person, being with him makes me feel free, bubbly, risk anything in my life. He lets me express the wild side in me. Comparing my life to Chuck, Blaire and the Lord of somewhere, Chuck is Stuart, and Chris is the Lord of somewhere.

Chris is the person where I can see the kind of elite-ish life I want to have. My classy side shows up when he’s around. Knowing Chris comes from a really rich family, plus he’s smart in almost everything and should I add he’s got this amazing body that I just want from a guy? When I think about my future with Chris, I see that I could have everything that I want. From where I want to live, the house I want to have, the lifestyle I want to live, down to the sex life I want. I’d get everything I want.

With Stuart, I can’t tell how my future would be. I mean, he’s not that smart nor that dumb, not sure about the family background though, I’m not even sure about getting everything that I want. But I am sure I’ll have the wildest adventures with him along the way. But where will it lead? I might end up as one of those people who’ll send their kids to a public school, no! I’ve never been to a public school in my life, except from nursery to kinder. Where will it lead me when I’m with him?

Chris, I can set my future already. Have it all planned even before I finish painting my nails red. Stuart, I’ll have to do a lo of guessing. I’ll have to think hard, plan hard, think again, then re-plan all over again. Listening, I mean thinking about these two guys makes me sound so desperate and over thinking. Come on! Christopher Klein Asinas has his heart set for a different girl right now, not me. He haven’t even changed his mind after he knew I still had feelings for him. Stuart Joseph Ponce says he has his heart just for me alone and no one else, his feelings for me seemed to no have changed since a year ago when he courted me and I turned him down.

So who is it? What should I do? What choice can I make? A. Let go of Chris and go for Stuart ‘cuz he can make you happy, he expresses his love for you like no other. He can show you the world with a different perspective. B. Don’t give up on Chris, to succeed means to never give up. With him, you an experience a long distance relationship, the one you’ve always wanted to try. C. Wait for college, maybe there’s a better guy there just waiting for you. D. What if Stuart is the guy? Since he lets you float on clouds and run on the water. E. What id Chris is t guy? You know he’s truly a nice person even if he disagrees with you. Stuart makes you do risks, Chris challenges you in a whole new level.

These guys are driving me crazy!

March 5, 2013

I received this question saying “If the w0rld will end t0m0rr0w, wh0 will be the last pers0n that u want t0 say i l0ve u? And why?” It made me stop and think on who’s name I should answer to that question. To tell you the truth, I’d be lying if I’d day “my parents” or “my family”. So who is it really? The lucky person who’d be the one to hear me say those 3 words, eight letters? He can’t be my crush (Chris), that’s impossible. I don’t even love him. Couldn’t be my ex-boyfriend, he doesn’t deserve my last “I love you”.

I thought about my best friends; Cloe, Alloy, Kezeah, and Lenny. Doesn’t sound right either. Even though if I’d say it to my best friend, I don’t have one because I have four for the meantime. So that won’t work. Next, I thought about Christer, I’m still a bit upset with him but he still doesn’t deserve what I’m about to say. I thought about Stuart, Jojo. He just might make the cut, but why do I love him if I’d say it to him? Do I even have to answer why we love a person? I thought about it again and I just knew he’s not the one person I’m meaning to say my “I love you” to.

After a few moments of thinking about it while writing whatever I’m saying in my head, it finally struck me. Only one person deserves my Love the way no other person in this world does, not even my parents. I was brought to a conclusion that GOD deserves my I LOVE YOU. No one has ever loved me as greatly as He did. No one as unconditional, no one as much. So I guess that’s my answer to the question given by Stuart through ask.fm. GOD.

Chuck and Blair?

Earlier tonight I thought that our relationship was like Chuck's and Blair's during the Season 1 of Gossip Girl. You know the one where it seems like all that Chuck cares about it ruining Blair's reputation and her feelings? I felt that way tonight, being the victim and all. If you should know, Chuck is Chris and I am Blair. I felt him coming at me with everything he's got against me and I tried to deny everything he said but I knew I was never going to win against a member of the Debate Club. So I did the most womanly thing I could do in the age of 16; surrender and admit everything.

I told him everything I knew, everything I did, and everything he wanted to know. But I still have no clue if he's satisfied or not. Anyway, after giving in we kept on talking about it. I realized he wasn't coming at me at all. He just wanted to know the truth because he knew I was completely bothered by the issue on the past. He it all along and I wonder how often he thought about it. When he said "I am just trying to get in to you. I feel like you haven't accepted it. I asked you a long time ago, you didn't want to bring it up. So I'm here to put it out and be here to help you even in some way." But the most mind-opening thing he said was, "Hey, always remember, if you are once miserable, it's not you. Don't settle for being you but you committed  a big mistake that made you change. How can you really show YOU if some part of you gives in to the person you think you are in the past?" Of all everything he said, the most shocking thing I heard (or should I say read) him say was, "I asked but you didn't want to talk about it. That's why I like to end the matter now. I care for you pud biya." I told him I knew he cared for SOME people, but I never knew I was a part of that list.

Realizing he's still my friend even though we've just recently developed our relationship, I am now aware that he is capable of caring deeply for someone even without any intimate feelings towards the person. And to think I almost questioned our friendship.

Worst Thing You Could Do To A Person?

I may just be the worst person in the world right now. I'm seriously considering that label for myself. You see, I have a friend, his name is Christopher. We have a short history where he confessed to me (if I remember the date right) last September 2011 that he had feelings for me. Of course I was surprised because I never saw sign from him. And I'm the kind of person who notices signs easily! But then he was too late that time because I was already in a relationship with someone. And now, months later, now that I'm single again we became closer friends.

I felt something for him that lasted for a week or so then it disappeared. So I guess that was just an attraction. I still played along and used my charismatic powers to drag him towards me. And I think it sort of worked. When he asked me if I liked him as more than I friend, I sort of lied and said "yes". And when I asked him the same question, he said "of course". And when at school and especially when we text or chat I act like I'm falling for him. And it's not even a challenge for me to act like I do because I really don't know why. :D

I keep on debating whether I should tell him the truth or not but I'm just afraid of how he may react. So I just say to myself, "maybe I can learn to love him".

Is He Capable of Change?

Change is constant right? I do believe people change but the change that's constant is their minor attributes. What about the major ones? I'm talking about this because my "friend" that I'm still mad at for some reason won't stop contacting me. He won't stop reaching out to me and I know how it feels like to be pushed away when you're trying to hard to reach out to that person. Which is why I can't just ignore him.

It's been like 7 months now I guess since I last saw him. We just text and we chatted once on facebook after he left for his training to be a sea man. He updates his profile whenever he can and seeing his physical attributes, he looks better now. He used to have color on his hair which was brown-ish and he kept on wearing his earing. When we talk on the phone he never said he misses me, but I can still tell his feelings for me are still there. But maybe because he hasn't interacted with other girls that much because he's touring the Philippines for now. His way of talking to me is different now, he seems to be nicer and less perverted. I can play along with that kind of texting but it usually pisses me off.

He's aware that I'm still mad at him and I haven't completely forgiven him yet. He says he's coming home this month and I have no idea what day it would be. I'm hoping and praying that he won't come and meet me nor seek for me because I have no interest on seeing him. But I can't shake this feeling inside me that maybe he's a whole new person now. We can start over as acquaintances and forget the past. That's just my kind heart who's hoping that is speaking. We just never know do we?

Sparks Fly

Seriously! I get the butterflies when I see his cute, charming, friendly, clear-from-trouble face. He's got this smile that is just heart-melting. Who am I talking about? Oh it's B-boy, short for "Baby boy". My good friend Lenny gave him that nickname. She's good at thinking for code names for guys which was why I turned to her when I clearly confirmed that I have a little bit of strong feelings for B-boy. 

Who is B-boy in real life? Well, he's one of the "composers" I work with at school, my friend, classmate. His name is Keith. He's one of the honor students in my batch, he's a musician (I love those kind of guys), he's not mean to people, and isn't afraid to hang out with girls nor be seen in public being the only guy in the group. He has a simple lifestyle, simple living considering the fact that his dad is (as what my father would describe it) vice-president of a huge company which I was too lazy to listen to the information. He's not buff, he has no abs, doesn't do much athletic activities but he's still all man.

Anyways, we see each other almost everyday but it's Christmas break now and he went home afternoon after the party. I didn't even get the chance to take a picture with him because I never got the chance nor the perfect timing. It bothered me even now.

Keith is at the guy below.

I wanted but I know I didn't need

It was starting to bother me. Whenever I'm around Keith I get the feeling of wanting him to put his arms over my shoulder or around my waist or something. I had proven to myself that I have this little crush on him or a while now. Even before the composing of the songs. It started on the day when I considered him as boyfriend material. Only two people know about my secret crush, I wouldn't want my relationship with my new close friend be ruined; but of course, if someone else is reading this right now my secret is out. If you are reading right now, please don't tell anybody.

The feelings that I got was the relationship that I wanted but I know I didn't need. So I've chosen to lay low and play it cool. Make sure he won't ever have a clue and to keep my mouth shut from telling other people.

The Next “him”

I didn’t make a list though, just had a few selected guys in my mind. On the top of the food chain is someone that I like to all NC-boy, meaning “New Chick Boy”. There was C-boy (Chick boy), M-boy (Makalanay boy), Y-boy, G-boy and now NC-boy. I can’t really say his name straight forward, so let me just spell in out backwards. arerbac oemor selrahcnerf. Apparently I have a feeling one of my friends has feelings for him too or is sort of attracted to him. Well who wouldn’t?! I mean c’mon, he’s tall, dark and handsome! Isn’t that how we used to describe Mr. Ideal guy for us when we were younger?

Imagine a tall, dark, handsome guy. Buff, a tennis player, and he has this cute scar I guess beside his right eye. He’s charming, sweet, cute smile and a friendly personality. He’s not like most of the athletic guys here in our school where their attitude is so loud that your head kinds of turns a bit when they walk down the halls. So I couldn’t really ask them why they would be attracted to him.

History you ask? It’s kind of a funny story actually. Well it’s funny for me and some of my friends. Going  way back, we go to the same school for how many years now. Since elementary years. I never really gave a damn about him before ‘cuz I always thought of him as a mean guy or someone with a lot of attitude like the guys he hangs out with. Last year we were classmates, Juniors! The signs were obvious that he liked me. I had just broken up with my boyfriend that time and he took the opportunity. I remember it all too well. We were watching Schindler’s List in our classroom that one afternoon. I was sitting in front of him and we were really close to each other. He asked if he could court me and from the tone of his voice he was nervous and shaky. I said “yes you can”. A few minutes later he asked again if I would accept to be his girlfriend. I was smiling a bit, trying to hold back a laugh. It was a bit funny ‘cuz knowing him who has had a lot of girlfriends before, is having a hard time to ask me the question.

Bottom line is I didn’t give him an answer. I never did gave him an answer. But now that I’m almost in full recovery from my break-up with my last boyfriend, I’m think I’m starting to grow feelings for my friend NC-boy AGAIN. 

God, I need my powers back

What really happened to me? I used to be this really inspired type of girl when it comes to editing photos and videos. *Quick history: I was in 6th grade when I discovered about Photoshop on our laptop. I was just checking things out, clicking random buttons on the software until I fell in love with it. That's where everything started. I was also a youtuber that time, I saw videos, tutorials. It inspired me on what I could do using PS. I had that much power and imagination.* I'm not blaming high school, I got more active on my Freshmen years. I must have done something wrong. Tracing back through my memories, I realize that ever since I engaged into a young boy-girl relationship, I lost my sight of my goals in relation to editing. I got obsessed with my boyfriend, I was never busy with school work. Yet I was busy texting.

Now that I'm single again, for 3 months already. I was hoping to get my mojo back. But still, my edits look crappy to me. No life, no noise, I played it safe. I used to make awesome photos, edits, youtube and twitter backgrounds. I soon became inactive of my blog that was meant for editing. When I was a Sophomore, I made another blog on weebly.com. I posted my latest edits there, along with my other interests like giving links for downloads. But when I became a Junior, I slowly forgot about it. I only open Photoshop for a quick edit of my photo.

Now that I'm a Senior, preparing for college. Still confused on what to take. I thought about Computer Engineering, because I had this interest in computers. Or maybe Graphical Design. But I started having second thoughts about my choices and once again, I was lost in the world and I'm running out of time. So I'm praying to God to enlighten me. If related to Computers is where I really belong, then send me a sign. I need inspiration. I even forgot on how good I was at editing.

Samples:

2010

for more go to: http://peopleitsana.blogspot.com/

2011

2012

for more go to: http://justmeana.weebly.com/

Love: Afraid? or Just Don't?

A friend of mine recently told me he likes me, but I'm not completely believing him because he used to be someone I talked about having sex and stuff. He even offered me to make out with him once and I pretended I was in to it, but we never really did it.

After he confessed that he liked me, I told him I don't feel the same way. It was hard for me to explain why. Why? It's because I don't really see him as handsome. Well, physical attractiveness comes first but in love that doesn't matter. We've never been classmates ever for the past four years in high school so I don't really know his nature nor could I judge him. But the only time me and my friends can talk about him is when they say mean things about him and his faults. So basically I have no background on him. Plus his mom is one of our school teachers, and she almost busted me and boy (my ex) just for sitting at the back hallway for a while. [A/N: The back hallway is also known as the lovers en for the high school students in different grade levels.]

What I'm saying is, whenever I see my friend, my head creams trouble. But I left him hanging, by saying maybe I could learn to love him. I always gave him reasons to why I'm having a dilemma. 

Reasons:

1. Half of the school year was over which means college was coming soon, and he's not staying here for college and I am. Plus I'm not a huge fan of LDR (Long Distance Relationships).

2. Maybe I need a boyfriend so I would be very sure that I'd have someone to dance with on prom for the first dance.

3. I miss intimacy, I have always been the romantic time and I miss all the hugging, and holding hands.

4. What if the right person for us both would be in the colleges we would be attending? Would it be worth the break-up and the pain if I ever would say yes?

5. He's too good for me. The past girls he courted were on the top list of "prettiest girls on the Juniors and Seniors".

6. And he's super smart and it'd be a challenge to compete against him.

I'm just not sure if it's going to be worth it. I'm just not attracted to anyone right now, not since my break-up with boy that happened 3 months ago. Or maybe I'm the one that's not letting any love in? Seeing my friends who are -more attractive than me that had never had a boyfriend before still being happily single. It made me realize that for thirteen years I survived not having a boyfriend. What's another 13 years going to do to me? But then again I was never really like those single girls, I was more of the risk-taker type of girl. So I guess I'm stuck with my dilemma, and wondering if I'd ever get a college diploma 'cuz I have no idea what course to take after summer break.

Simple as That

You know how the world can be these days, the people in it can be really mean. But don't let that get to you. I know, easier said than done. But if you stop focusing on what you'll achieve and focus more on the pattie of the burger, you'll likely end up at some place more suited for you. 

What I'm saying is, smile your  worries away. We live in an overpopulated world, so basically wherever you go you're always going to meet someone. When you're hurt, or feeling down, don't show it. Smile instead. Emotions seen by other people affect their emotion too. When they see you smiling, they automatically smile back and they would smile towards other people and they would smile too and so on and so forth. In other words, emotions are contagious like a disease only it's psychological.  So spread happiness instead of sadness and make someone's day a better day than the opposite or make it worse.

Fighting Back By Doing Nothing

So here, my ex-boyfriend (let's call him 'BOY'), and his new girlfriend (GIRL); they're messing with me again but apparently it has no effect on me. Just because this actress Andi Eigenmann was on Deal or No Deal on ABS-CBN, and she chose the briefcase number 23. And 23 is BOY and GIRL's monthsary, and BOY's and mine used to be 21. They kept on sending group messages saying "Andi likes 23 better than 21. 21, ewww!" And I was just sitting in our living room, reading their texts and I'm pretty sure they're having fun and laughing.

Which brings to my realization. I used to be like them, back when I was still with BOY. There was this girl (Dani), she has a crush on BOY. Both of us were upset by that, because Dani and BOY were classmates and Dani would get really close to BOY. I used to be such a 'bitch' to Dani, well not at her face. But when she's around or even not, BOY and I would talk about her and back bite her. We just laughed about it, laughing at her because she looked desperate and acting like a slut. When we broke up, I realized I was at my worst when I was with him. I never wanted to be that person again. I was like one of the girls from the movie Mean Girls with Lindsey Lohan in it.

I realized what I did was wrong, who I am was not the person I'm supposed to be. If my parents, grandfather, and the other top people I could let down knew about that side of me back then, they would've been very disappointed of me. Thinking that BOY is now changing GIRL, making her become the person I used to be when I was with him, I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for GIRL for being dragged into BOY's wrong doing. But I feel more sorry for BOY for not realizing what he's done to GIRL. It's like it's a part of him to act that way towards people who fancy him and not even realizing that what he's doing is wrong and is not making any of them a better person.

I just wish they'd realize that what their doing is wrong and they should stop acting that way because it's really childish.

The World is in My Hands

The day I woke up and realized he was no longer there to text me good morning, no one to look for me every minute of the day. I knew everything was starting to change. It was either in a good way or the bad. Before he left, I had dreams. Dreams like being a part of the top list in our batch at school, being able to dance the modern dance again, not feel like an outcast of my own family. The family part is a bit painful story. Ever since they knew I had a boyfriend, when I was around they would look at me weirdly. And that would feel very awkward if you were ever in my place.

But after he let me go I didn't notice the change until I thought about it. I was doing better in class, my grades were up for the first quarter. My grades were enough to become an achiever and that's good enough for me. I'm a Senior now, and the last time I ever got an award was when I was a Freshmen. A long time right? So I guess you would've figured out by now that we've been together since Sophomore year and ever since I never got an award anymore. This time I feel allot taller than usual.

So I've been dancing for a long time, I love to dance. But the last time I danced modern was Elementary. Grade 6 to be specific. My entire High School life was spent with boyfriends and cheerdancing. No, cheerdance is not counted as modern dancing. Recently, we had this Street Dance competition for the inter-class. I had allot of new classmates for High School. Many of them just knew about my dancing because of the competition. Now my classmate Kezeah, asked me to dance with them for our Christmas party. And without a doubt, I said "YES". I had the time of my life being able to dance again.-

At present, in my family, I don't feel any awkwardness, nor uncomfortable. I feel very open towards them now when we talk about boyfriends. Especially to my Freshmen cousins, they're very fun to talk with when the topic is about boyfriends. Even though they don't have any, not ever but they talk about their classmates and friends boyfriends. It's a fun world for me, now that he's out of the picture.