March 7, 2013

                Today is the day that I realized I am starting to have feelings for this person who I’ve know for four years now. His name is Stuart, he’s supposed to be my batch mate but he had to repeat first year high school. Yesterday, around 5pm in the afternoon at the school grounds. I saw him with his grade 9 friend (I don’t know the name of the girl). They were sitting so close to each other at the bottom of the flag pole and as I was glancing at them as I passed by I felt jealous. For the first time in a few months, I’ve actually felt jealousy.

                But that’s no my worry tonight. I can conclude that my feelings for Stuart is starting to develop, but I can ask this; “is he the next guy I’d say those 3 words 8 letters to?”. As you should know, I’m always in this situation where my theme song would be “Torn Between Two Lovers”. Well, in my situation right now I only have one lover, Stuart. My dilemma you ask?

Stuart is a fun person, being with him makes me feel free, bubbly, risk anything in my life. He lets me express the wild side in me. Comparing my life to Chuck, Blaire and the Lord of somewhere, Chuck is Stuart, and Chris is the Lord of somewhere.

Chris is the person where I can see the kind of elite-ish life I want to have. My classy side shows up when he’s around. Knowing Chris comes from a really rich family, plus he’s smart in almost everything and should I add he’s got this amazing body that I just want from a guy? When I think about my future with Chris, I see that I could have everything that I want. From where I want to live, the house I want to have, the lifestyle I want to live, down to the sex life I want. I’d get everything I want.

With Stuart, I can’t tell how my future would be. I mean, he’s not that smart nor that dumb, not sure about the family background though, I’m not even sure about getting everything that I want. But I am sure I’ll have the wildest adventures with him along the way. But where will it lead? I might end up as one of those people who’ll send their kids to a public school, no! I’ve never been to a public school in my life, except from nursery to kinder. Where will it lead me when I’m with him?

Chris, I can set my future already. Have it all planned even before I finish painting my nails red. Stuart, I’ll have to do a lo of guessing. I’ll have to think hard, plan hard, think again, then re-plan all over again. Listening, I mean thinking about these two guys makes me sound so desperate and over thinking. Come on! Christopher Klein Asinas has his heart set for a different girl right now, not me. He haven’t even changed his mind after he knew I still had feelings for him. Stuart Joseph Ponce says he has his heart just for me alone and no one else, his feelings for me seemed to no have changed since a year ago when he courted me and I turned him down.

So who is it? What should I do? What choice can I make? A. Let go of Chris and go for Stuart ‘cuz he can make you happy, he expresses his love for you like no other. He can show you the world with a different perspective. B. Don’t give up on Chris, to succeed means to never give up. With him, you an experience a long distance relationship, the one you’ve always wanted to try. C. Wait for college, maybe there’s a better guy there just waiting for you. D. What if Stuart is the guy? Since he lets you float on clouds and run on the water. E. What id Chris is t guy? You know he’s truly a nice person even if he disagrees with you. Stuart makes you do risks, Chris challenges you in a whole new level.

These guys are driving me crazy!

March 5, 2013

I received this question saying “If the w0rld will end t0m0rr0w, wh0 will be the last pers0n that u want t0 say i l0ve u? And why?” It made me stop and think on who’s name I should answer to that question. To tell you the truth, I’d be lying if I’d day “my parents” or “my family”. So who is it really? The lucky person who’d be the one to hear me say those 3 words, eight letters? He can’t be my crush (Chris), that’s impossible. I don’t even love him. Couldn’t be my ex-boyfriend, he doesn’t deserve my last “I love you”.

I thought about my best friends; Cloe, Alloy, Kezeah, and Lenny. Doesn’t sound right either. Even though if I’d say it to my best friend, I don’t have one because I have four for the meantime. So that won’t work. Next, I thought about Christer, I’m still a bit upset with him but he still doesn’t deserve what I’m about to say. I thought about Stuart, Jojo. He just might make the cut, but why do I love him if I’d say it to him? Do I even have to answer why we love a person? I thought about it again and I just knew he’s not the one person I’m meaning to say my “I love you” to.

After a few moments of thinking about it while writing whatever I’m saying in my head, it finally struck me. Only one person deserves my Love the way no other person in this world does, not even my parents. I was brought to a conclusion that GOD deserves my I LOVE YOU. No one has ever loved me as greatly as He did. No one as unconditional, no one as much. So I guess that’s my answer to the question given by Stuart through ask.fm. GOD.

Is He Capable of Change?

Change is constant right? I do believe people change but the change that's constant is their minor attributes. What about the major ones? I'm talking about this because my "friend" that I'm still mad at for some reason won't stop contacting me. He won't stop reaching out to me and I know how it feels like to be pushed away when you're trying to hard to reach out to that person. Which is why I can't just ignore him.

It's been like 7 months now I guess since I last saw him. We just text and we chatted once on facebook after he left for his training to be a sea man. He updates his profile whenever he can and seeing his physical attributes, he looks better now. He used to have color on his hair which was brown-ish and he kept on wearing his earing. When we talk on the phone he never said he misses me, but I can still tell his feelings for me are still there. But maybe because he hasn't interacted with other girls that much because he's touring the Philippines for now. His way of talking to me is different now, he seems to be nicer and less perverted. I can play along with that kind of texting but it usually pisses me off.

He's aware that I'm still mad at him and I haven't completely forgiven him yet. He says he's coming home this month and I have no idea what day it would be. I'm hoping and praying that he won't come and meet me nor seek for me because I have no interest on seeing him. But I can't shake this feeling inside me that maybe he's a whole new person now. We can start over as acquaintances and forget the past. That's just my kind heart who's hoping that is speaking. We just never know do we?

Sparks Fly

Seriously! I get the butterflies when I see his cute, charming, friendly, clear-from-trouble face. He's got this smile that is just heart-melting. Who am I talking about? Oh it's B-boy, short for "Baby boy". My good friend Lenny gave him that nickname. She's good at thinking for code names for guys which was why I turned to her when I clearly confirmed that I have a little bit of strong feelings for B-boy. 

Who is B-boy in real life? Well, he's one of the "composers" I work with at school, my friend, classmate. His name is Keith. He's one of the honor students in my batch, he's a musician (I love those kind of guys), he's not mean to people, and isn't afraid to hang out with girls nor be seen in public being the only guy in the group. He has a simple lifestyle, simple living considering the fact that his dad is (as what my father would describe it) vice-president of a huge company which I was too lazy to listen to the information. He's not buff, he has no abs, doesn't do much athletic activities but he's still all man.

Anyways, we see each other almost everyday but it's Christmas break now and he went home afternoon after the party. I didn't even get the chance to take a picture with him because I never got the chance nor the perfect timing. It bothered me even now.

Keith is at the guy below.

40% but still invisible

I may now be 40% visible to people, but I still am as invisible as the air in my family. Only difference is they also can't feel me. I fit in nowhere. It was frustrating to think about it. I barely like the attitude on my father's side of the family, and I can't say much about my moms side because I have no aunts and uncles bond with everyday. So much for the saying "don't fit in, stand out". I was in neither positions.

Talking about invisibility yesterday with the girls, the time when me and my ex-boyfriend recently broke up with me talk was a bit surprising that I finally got those words out of my mouth. It was something I kept to myself, afraid to admit of the truth that I was almost friendless when things ended with Arvin. Surprised I'm not afraid to speak his name now. It just feels right, and a way to prove to myself that I am over him. Anyways, I am now 40% visible to people but I just don't fit in right.

What can I do? I just watched an episode of Awkward and it was the one with the stupid do-overs and I don't think I want to fantasize things like what could have happened if I never engaged into any intimate relationship. Life is confusing, but it's just the way it is. Things changed, time changed me.

The Next “him”

I didn’t make a list though, just had a few selected guys in my mind. On the top of the food chain is someone that I like to all NC-boy, meaning “New Chick Boy”. There was C-boy (Chick boy), M-boy (Makalanay boy), Y-boy, G-boy and now NC-boy. I can’t really say his name straight forward, so let me just spell in out backwards. arerbac oemor selrahcnerf. Apparently I have a feeling one of my friends has feelings for him too or is sort of attracted to him. Well who wouldn’t?! I mean c’mon, he’s tall, dark and handsome! Isn’t that how we used to describe Mr. Ideal guy for us when we were younger?

Imagine a tall, dark, handsome guy. Buff, a tennis player, and he has this cute scar I guess beside his right eye. He’s charming, sweet, cute smile and a friendly personality. He’s not like most of the athletic guys here in our school where their attitude is so loud that your head kinds of turns a bit when they walk down the halls. So I couldn’t really ask them why they would be attracted to him.

History you ask? It’s kind of a funny story actually. Well it’s funny for me and some of my friends. Going  way back, we go to the same school for how many years now. Since elementary years. I never really gave a damn about him before ‘cuz I always thought of him as a mean guy or someone with a lot of attitude like the guys he hangs out with. Last year we were classmates, Juniors! The signs were obvious that he liked me. I had just broken up with my boyfriend that time and he took the opportunity. I remember it all too well. We were watching Schindler’s List in our classroom that one afternoon. I was sitting in front of him and we were really close to each other. He asked if he could court me and from the tone of his voice he was nervous and shaky. I said “yes you can”. A few minutes later he asked again if I would accept to be his girlfriend. I was smiling a bit, trying to hold back a laugh. It was a bit funny ‘cuz knowing him who has had a lot of girlfriends before, is having a hard time to ask me the question.

Bottom line is I didn’t give him an answer. I never did gave him an answer. But now that I’m almost in full recovery from my break-up with my last boyfriend, I’m think I’m starting to grow feelings for my friend NC-boy AGAIN. 

A child in disguise

I can't take it out of my mind how bratty my ex's younger sister is. She's a Freshmen and she treats me like we're at the same level. I had high expectations from her since she's boys's sister and he is used to be a nice person. Plus she's a girl, but her language is above her level. She needs to watch her mouth. She's a member of our school publication and most people there are very nice, well it's true. Why would we take a trouble maker as our member? Anyway, she treats me like sh*t.

Here's what happened. She texted me asking "how many goats are in the mountain? If you're smart, then you can answer that". I told her "I don't know." Then she said "then why is your signature '#21'?" I told her it's my favorite number and the name of my favorite store is Forever 21. Then she replied with "who asked?" and I was like "the hell?" in my head. I told her "you asked, duh." Then she suddenly came after me by saying "don't you talk to me like that because you have no idea who I am and how I can be when I'm mad." I was clearly lost in the world. Reading my sent messages over and over again and thinking what'd I do wrong? So I told her "you asked me a question, I gave you the right answer politely and you're suddenly accusing me of coming at you? It's you who should be watching your mouth." After that she never replied.

Luckily my friend Lenny had my back and she was more upset than I was after I told her about my conversation with my ex's sister. The world is just crazy that night. My ex's younger sister texted me the following day saying "I asked you how many goats were in the mountain." I never replied to her, how was I supposed to know that? Plus I'm about to become a proper lady and I can no longer play those kinds of games. Then today, she message me on facebook saying "gotcha!" and I replied back with "?" and she laughed and said "brainwash?" And was like "what's wrong with this kid?" I never replied to her after that. 

The Freshmen this year have issues. I mean serious issues. They may seem innocent, nice and friendly, but they've broken rules, disgraced the name of our school twice (or maybe thrice) more the the grade levels above them. They act like they're not their age. They act like they're older. Sometimes older than us, the Seniors.

Love: Afraid? or Just Don't?

A friend of mine recently told me he likes me, but I'm not completely believing him because he used to be someone I talked about having sex and stuff. He even offered me to make out with him once and I pretended I was in to it, but we never really did it.

After he confessed that he liked me, I told him I don't feel the same way. It was hard for me to explain why. Why? It's because I don't really see him as handsome. Well, physical attractiveness comes first but in love that doesn't matter. We've never been classmates ever for the past four years in high school so I don't really know his nature nor could I judge him. But the only time me and my friends can talk about him is when they say mean things about him and his faults. So basically I have no background on him. Plus his mom is one of our school teachers, and she almost busted me and boy (my ex) just for sitting at the back hallway for a while. [A/N: The back hallway is also known as the lovers en for the high school students in different grade levels.]

What I'm saying is, whenever I see my friend, my head creams trouble. But I left him hanging, by saying maybe I could learn to love him. I always gave him reasons to why I'm having a dilemma. 

Reasons:

1. Half of the school year was over which means college was coming soon, and he's not staying here for college and I am. Plus I'm not a huge fan of LDR (Long Distance Relationships).

2. Maybe I need a boyfriend so I would be very sure that I'd have someone to dance with on prom for the first dance.

3. I miss intimacy, I have always been the romantic time and I miss all the hugging, and holding hands.

4. What if the right person for us both would be in the colleges we would be attending? Would it be worth the break-up and the pain if I ever would say yes?

5. He's too good for me. The past girls he courted were on the top list of "prettiest girls on the Juniors and Seniors".

6. And he's super smart and it'd be a challenge to compete against him.

I'm just not sure if it's going to be worth it. I'm just not attracted to anyone right now, not since my break-up with boy that happened 3 months ago. Or maybe I'm the one that's not letting any love in? Seeing my friends who are -more attractive than me that had never had a boyfriend before still being happily single. It made me realize that for thirteen years I survived not having a boyfriend. What's another 13 years going to do to me? But then again I was never really like those single girls, I was more of the risk-taker type of girl. So I guess I'm stuck with my dilemma, and wondering if I'd ever get a college diploma 'cuz I have no idea what course to take after summer break.