Back to Being Zero?

I am well aware that no one reads my blog. Well, I have many blogs but this is my personal blog. Which is why I feel perfectly safe in talking about anything I like here. It's been a while since I last posted. I always find myself talking to myself out loud when no one's around. It's fun for me. I realize things that I've observed and some I share to my boyfriend when I realize them during our talk on the phone.

When I realize things or reflect on specific situations I would always wish I could blog them or write them down but then I'd have to look for a pen and paper. While looking for such my mind would be forced to be on hold and letting my fairy dust dissolve in the corners of my mind. It's such a shame I wont get to keep a record of my mind's realizations but I'd take them as a gift that is for me alone and can never be retrieved. You see, I speak them out loud yet I can never remember them after that.

I just feel like talking right now, which is why I'm blogging. :)

Dreams and Addiction

I can now conclude that I am addicted to this new Manga-turned-to-Anime series. The series is called Sword Art Online (family photo below). This series is about people from young ages to old ones and they meet in a virtual world where you can kill people, fly, play with swords, guns, be able to face your fears and just be an entire different person from who you truly are.

In my dream, I was well aware that I wasn't in a game. Only that I was influenced by the show I watched. This morning I dreamed about physically hurting my boyfriend's sister. I knew that I was doing wrong but I didn't mind because I was frustrated by her. I kept on pulling her hair and hitting her head on the walls. The most frustrating part was she never looked hurt. 

In my other dream just 40 minutes ago, I was in a different place. There were car chasing, different people, Arabs, Americans, Filipinos, my family was there. 3 of us had this invisibility power. Anyway, I was beside the driver through a rough and muddy path up the mountain but I wasn't scared at all. In fact, I was enjoying it. Then the scene changed, it was a ride like a roller coaster but wet. It had huge logs rolling side by side to carry our boat up to the top and when we got there it paused to dry our clothes and clear the boat with water. Eventually it dropped us and we got wet again. And the scene changed again, we were in an actual roller coaster and the ride had just started. We were about to begin with the fast speed of the roller coaster when I noticed that people were near the rails and I got worried they'd get hit. I was beginning to imagine blood all over my face. But before we could begin with the fast speed of the ride I woke up.

Now I don't know how to explain those dreams of mine but they had 1 thing in common, it was set in a carnival. The first dream we were captured and taken to a carnival. There was even a crying baby in the scene. So I guess since I watched SAO a lot these past 2 weeks, I could say I can blame them. But I'm going to observe myself if I'll have a common dream tonight.

40% but still invisible

I may now be 40% visible to people, but I still am as invisible as the air in my family. Only difference is they also can't feel me. I fit in nowhere. It was frustrating to think about it. I barely like the attitude on my father's side of the family, and I can't say much about my moms side because I have no aunts and uncles bond with everyday. So much for the saying "don't fit in, stand out". I was in neither positions.

Talking about invisibility yesterday with the girls, the time when me and my ex-boyfriend recently broke up with me talk was a bit surprising that I finally got those words out of my mouth. It was something I kept to myself, afraid to admit of the truth that I was almost friendless when things ended with Arvin. Surprised I'm not afraid to speak his name now. It just feels right, and a way to prove to myself that I am over him. Anyways, I am now 40% visible to people but I just don't fit in right.

What can I do? I just watched an episode of Awkward and it was the one with the stupid do-overs and I don't think I want to fantasize things like what could have happened if I never engaged into any intimate relationship. Life is confusing, but it's just the way it is. Things changed, time changed me.