Dreams and Addiction

I can now conclude that I am addicted to this new Manga-turned-to-Anime series. The series is called Sword Art Online (family photo below). This series is about people from young ages to old ones and they meet in a virtual world where you can kill people, fly, play with swords, guns, be able to face your fears and just be an entire different person from who you truly are.

In my dream, I was well aware that I wasn't in a game. Only that I was influenced by the show I watched. This morning I dreamed about physically hurting my boyfriend's sister. I knew that I was doing wrong but I didn't mind because I was frustrated by her. I kept on pulling her hair and hitting her head on the walls. The most frustrating part was she never looked hurt. 

In my other dream just 40 minutes ago, I was in a different place. There were car chasing, different people, Arabs, Americans, Filipinos, my family was there. 3 of us had this invisibility power. Anyway, I was beside the driver through a rough and muddy path up the mountain but I wasn't scared at all. In fact, I was enjoying it. Then the scene changed, it was a ride like a roller coaster but wet. It had huge logs rolling side by side to carry our boat up to the top and when we got there it paused to dry our clothes and clear the boat with water. Eventually it dropped us and we got wet again. And the scene changed again, we were in an actual roller coaster and the ride had just started. We were about to begin with the fast speed of the roller coaster when I noticed that people were near the rails and I got worried they'd get hit. I was beginning to imagine blood all over my face. But before we could begin with the fast speed of the ride I woke up.

Now I don't know how to explain those dreams of mine but they had 1 thing in common, it was set in a carnival. The first dream we were captured and taken to a carnival. There was even a crying baby in the scene. So I guess since I watched SAO a lot these past 2 weeks, I could say I can blame them. But I'm going to observe myself if I'll have a common dream tonight.

Materialistic

"All I want for Christmas is YOU."

 Now that's the greatest lie said by me right there. I don't want anyone, I already have everyone. I'm happy with all my friends right now but a couple more would work. Anyway, I don't need a guy right now (even though I say I want one, but I don't need one). I'm perfectly happy with my life right now.

What I want is for someone, anyone, to give me a necklace. Any kind, but it'd be better if it were cute or have some meaning to it. Then I'd promise that i won't ever take it off (except at school of course, I'm not that kind of a rule breaker), I'd wear it everywhere I go even at home. No one has ever given me a necklace before, except Jamie Colon my ex-bestfriend (we're still friends though) but it's a bit small for my neck now. It was a necklace painted with silver and has the word "Love" hanging as the center piece of the necklace. I kept it in my room somewhere... So yeah, that's what I truly want these days.

40% but still invisible

I may now be 40% visible to people, but I still am as invisible as the air in my family. Only difference is they also can't feel me. I fit in nowhere. It was frustrating to think about it. I barely like the attitude on my father's side of the family, and I can't say much about my moms side because I have no aunts and uncles bond with everyday. So much for the saying "don't fit in, stand out". I was in neither positions.

Talking about invisibility yesterday with the girls, the time when me and my ex-boyfriend recently broke up with me talk was a bit surprising that I finally got those words out of my mouth. It was something I kept to myself, afraid to admit of the truth that I was almost friendless when things ended with Arvin. Surprised I'm not afraid to speak his name now. It just feels right, and a way to prove to myself that I am over him. Anyways, I am now 40% visible to people but I just don't fit in right.

What can I do? I just watched an episode of Awkward and it was the one with the stupid do-overs and I don't think I want to fantasize things like what could have happened if I never engaged into any intimate relationship. Life is confusing, but it's just the way it is. Things changed, time changed me.

A BRAT, not a BITCH

Spoiled brat?! If I were to speak before thinking I would strongly disagree to that name. After thinking about it, my mind just automatically gave me a solution to the problem on what I should and can say when someone calls me that.

Causes:

1. Being the only child, as expected from you, you'd be spoiled. Spoiled by the parents because all their love and affection would only focus on you alone. So you'd get whatever you want with out any hesitation.

2. Being spoiled by my boyfriend, or should I say ex-boyfriend. He was the first person ever in my 15 years of existence to call me a spoiled brat. Has he not been thinking straight?! Seriously? Has he forgotten that he offers to buy lunch for me? Well, I'd give him the money for my meal but then again he'd pay for the bottle of water. He never says no when I ask him to buy me a 70 pesos worth of pen, just for a pen people! It's that expensive.

Going back to the time when he called me a "spoiled brat", I didn't take it as an insult. I took it as a compliment. Weird right? Yeah, well, I'm on of Cher Lloyd's little brats. It's what she calls her followers. Back to me now.

When I take actions I don't really reflect on them at an early time, which means I'm not really the one to blame for becoming a spoiled brat. In fact it's the people around me that should be blamed. Though I don't like to blame anyone. Anyways, that clears my case that I'm not guilty for making myself a spoiled brat.

(below)

Cher Lloyd

artist, song writer, performer

my blog dedicated to her: http://cherlittlebratlloyd.tumblr.com/

The World is in My Hands

The day I woke up and realized he was no longer there to text me good morning, no one to look for me every minute of the day. I knew everything was starting to change. It was either in a good way or the bad. Before he left, I had dreams. Dreams like being a part of the top list in our batch at school, being able to dance the modern dance again, not feel like an outcast of my own family. The family part is a bit painful story. Ever since they knew I had a boyfriend, when I was around they would look at me weirdly. And that would feel very awkward if you were ever in my place.

But after he let me go I didn't notice the change until I thought about it. I was doing better in class, my grades were up for the first quarter. My grades were enough to become an achiever and that's good enough for me. I'm a Senior now, and the last time I ever got an award was when I was a Freshmen. A long time right? So I guess you would've figured out by now that we've been together since Sophomore year and ever since I never got an award anymore. This time I feel allot taller than usual.

So I've been dancing for a long time, I love to dance. But the last time I danced modern was Elementary. Grade 6 to be specific. My entire High School life was spent with boyfriends and cheerdancing. No, cheerdance is not counted as modern dancing. Recently, we had this Street Dance competition for the inter-class. I had allot of new classmates for High School. Many of them just knew about my dancing because of the competition. Now my classmate Kezeah, asked me to dance with them for our Christmas party. And without a doubt, I said "YES". I had the time of my life being able to dance again.-

At present, in my family, I don't feel any awkwardness, nor uncomfortable. I feel very open towards them now when we talk about boyfriends. Especially to my Freshmen cousins, they're very fun to talk with when the topic is about boyfriends. Even though they don't have any, not ever but they talk about their classmates and friends boyfriends. It's a fun world for me, now that he's out of the picture.