Reflect myself

Let's reflect for a while. My exes, yes they're a mess months after they broke up with me. It's not that the break-up was my fault, but they were the problem. They weren't meant for me, my other half still hasn't arrived. I was just too distracted of having a boyfriend to realize it.

After my break-up with Arvin, I felt more alive and free. I was more happy with who I am, not worrying about someone. Spending more time with my friends, figuring out who I really am. I spent the last 7 months of high school the way it was supposed to be lived.

So now I am happy with my true, loyal friends. I'm becoming more mature and more independent of others. I am a HAPPY BITCH.

March 5, 2013

I received this question saying “If the w0rld will end t0m0rr0w, wh0 will be the last pers0n that u want t0 say i l0ve u? And why?” It made me stop and think on who’s name I should answer to that question. To tell you the truth, I’d be lying if I’d day “my parents” or “my family”. So who is it really? The lucky person who’d be the one to hear me say those 3 words, eight letters? He can’t be my crush (Chris), that’s impossible. I don’t even love him. Couldn’t be my ex-boyfriend, he doesn’t deserve my last “I love you”.

I thought about my best friends; Cloe, Alloy, Kezeah, and Lenny. Doesn’t sound right either. Even though if I’d say it to my best friend, I don’t have one because I have four for the meantime. So that won’t work. Next, I thought about Christer, I’m still a bit upset with him but he still doesn’t deserve what I’m about to say. I thought about Stuart, Jojo. He just might make the cut, but why do I love him if I’d say it to him? Do I even have to answer why we love a person? I thought about it again and I just knew he’s not the one person I’m meaning to say my “I love you” to.

After a few moments of thinking about it while writing whatever I’m saying in my head, it finally struck me. Only one person deserves my Love the way no other person in this world does, not even my parents. I was brought to a conclusion that GOD deserves my I LOVE YOU. No one has ever loved me as greatly as He did. No one as unconditional, no one as much. So I guess that’s my answer to the question given by Stuart through ask.fm. GOD.

40% but still invisible

I may now be 40% visible to people, but I still am as invisible as the air in my family. Only difference is they also can't feel me. I fit in nowhere. It was frustrating to think about it. I barely like the attitude on my father's side of the family, and I can't say much about my moms side because I have no aunts and uncles bond with everyday. So much for the saying "don't fit in, stand out". I was in neither positions.

Talking about invisibility yesterday with the girls, the time when me and my ex-boyfriend recently broke up with me talk was a bit surprising that I finally got those words out of my mouth. It was something I kept to myself, afraid to admit of the truth that I was almost friendless when things ended with Arvin. Surprised I'm not afraid to speak his name now. It just feels right, and a way to prove to myself that I am over him. Anyways, I am now 40% visible to people but I just don't fit in right.

What can I do? I just watched an episode of Awkward and it was the one with the stupid do-overs and I don't think I want to fantasize things like what could have happened if I never engaged into any intimate relationship. Life is confusing, but it's just the way it is. Things changed, time changed me.

The Next “him”

I didn’t make a list though, just had a few selected guys in my mind. On the top of the food chain is someone that I like to all NC-boy, meaning “New Chick Boy”. There was C-boy (Chick boy), M-boy (Makalanay boy), Y-boy, G-boy and now NC-boy. I can’t really say his name straight forward, so let me just spell in out backwards. arerbac oemor selrahcnerf. Apparently I have a feeling one of my friends has feelings for him too or is sort of attracted to him. Well who wouldn’t?! I mean c’mon, he’s tall, dark and handsome! Isn’t that how we used to describe Mr. Ideal guy for us when we were younger?

Imagine a tall, dark, handsome guy. Buff, a tennis player, and he has this cute scar I guess beside his right eye. He’s charming, sweet, cute smile and a friendly personality. He’s not like most of the athletic guys here in our school where their attitude is so loud that your head kinds of turns a bit when they walk down the halls. So I couldn’t really ask them why they would be attracted to him.

History you ask? It’s kind of a funny story actually. Well it’s funny for me and some of my friends. Going  way back, we go to the same school for how many years now. Since elementary years. I never really gave a damn about him before ‘cuz I always thought of him as a mean guy or someone with a lot of attitude like the guys he hangs out with. Last year we were classmates, Juniors! The signs were obvious that he liked me. I had just broken up with my boyfriend that time and he took the opportunity. I remember it all too well. We were watching Schindler’s List in our classroom that one afternoon. I was sitting in front of him and we were really close to each other. He asked if he could court me and from the tone of his voice he was nervous and shaky. I said “yes you can”. A few minutes later he asked again if I would accept to be his girlfriend. I was smiling a bit, trying to hold back a laugh. It was a bit funny ‘cuz knowing him who has had a lot of girlfriends before, is having a hard time to ask me the question.

Bottom line is I didn’t give him an answer. I never did gave him an answer. But now that I’m almost in full recovery from my break-up with my last boyfriend, I’m think I’m starting to grow feelings for my friend NC-boy AGAIN. 

God, I need my powers back

What really happened to me? I used to be this really inspired type of girl when it comes to editing photos and videos. *Quick history: I was in 6th grade when I discovered about Photoshop on our laptop. I was just checking things out, clicking random buttons on the software until I fell in love with it. That's where everything started. I was also a youtuber that time, I saw videos, tutorials. It inspired me on what I could do using PS. I had that much power and imagination.* I'm not blaming high school, I got more active on my Freshmen years. I must have done something wrong. Tracing back through my memories, I realize that ever since I engaged into a young boy-girl relationship, I lost my sight of my goals in relation to editing. I got obsessed with my boyfriend, I was never busy with school work. Yet I was busy texting.

Now that I'm single again, for 3 months already. I was hoping to get my mojo back. But still, my edits look crappy to me. No life, no noise, I played it safe. I used to make awesome photos, edits, youtube and twitter backgrounds. I soon became inactive of my blog that was meant for editing. When I was a Sophomore, I made another blog on weebly.com. I posted my latest edits there, along with my other interests like giving links for downloads. But when I became a Junior, I slowly forgot about it. I only open Photoshop for a quick edit of my photo.

Now that I'm a Senior, preparing for college. Still confused on what to take. I thought about Computer Engineering, because I had this interest in computers. Or maybe Graphical Design. But I started having second thoughts about my choices and once again, I was lost in the world and I'm running out of time. So I'm praying to God to enlighten me. If related to Computers is where I really belong, then send me a sign. I need inspiration. I even forgot on how good I was at editing.

Samples:

2010

for more go to: http://peopleitsana.blogspot.com/

2011

2012

for more go to: http://justmeana.weebly.com/

A child in disguise

I can't take it out of my mind how bratty my ex's younger sister is. She's a Freshmen and she treats me like we're at the same level. I had high expectations from her since she's boys's sister and he is used to be a nice person. Plus she's a girl, but her language is above her level. She needs to watch her mouth. She's a member of our school publication and most people there are very nice, well it's true. Why would we take a trouble maker as our member? Anyway, she treats me like sh*t.

Here's what happened. She texted me asking "how many goats are in the mountain? If you're smart, then you can answer that". I told her "I don't know." Then she said "then why is your signature '#21'?" I told her it's my favorite number and the name of my favorite store is Forever 21. Then she replied with "who asked?" and I was like "the hell?" in my head. I told her "you asked, duh." Then she suddenly came after me by saying "don't you talk to me like that because you have no idea who I am and how I can be when I'm mad." I was clearly lost in the world. Reading my sent messages over and over again and thinking what'd I do wrong? So I told her "you asked me a question, I gave you the right answer politely and you're suddenly accusing me of coming at you? It's you who should be watching your mouth." After that she never replied.

Luckily my friend Lenny had my back and she was more upset than I was after I told her about my conversation with my ex's sister. The world is just crazy that night. My ex's younger sister texted me the following day saying "I asked you how many goats were in the mountain." I never replied to her, how was I supposed to know that? Plus I'm about to become a proper lady and I can no longer play those kinds of games. Then today, she message me on facebook saying "gotcha!" and I replied back with "?" and she laughed and said "brainwash?" And was like "what's wrong with this kid?" I never replied to her after that. 

The Freshmen this year have issues. I mean serious issues. They may seem innocent, nice and friendly, but they've broken rules, disgraced the name of our school twice (or maybe thrice) more the the grade levels above them. They act like they're not their age. They act like they're older. Sometimes older than us, the Seniors.

Love: Afraid? or Just Don't?

A friend of mine recently told me he likes me, but I'm not completely believing him because he used to be someone I talked about having sex and stuff. He even offered me to make out with him once and I pretended I was in to it, but we never really did it.

After he confessed that he liked me, I told him I don't feel the same way. It was hard for me to explain why. Why? It's because I don't really see him as handsome. Well, physical attractiveness comes first but in love that doesn't matter. We've never been classmates ever for the past four years in high school so I don't really know his nature nor could I judge him. But the only time me and my friends can talk about him is when they say mean things about him and his faults. So basically I have no background on him. Plus his mom is one of our school teachers, and she almost busted me and boy (my ex) just for sitting at the back hallway for a while. [A/N: The back hallway is also known as the lovers en for the high school students in different grade levels.]

What I'm saying is, whenever I see my friend, my head creams trouble. But I left him hanging, by saying maybe I could learn to love him. I always gave him reasons to why I'm having a dilemma. 

Reasons:

1. Half of the school year was over which means college was coming soon, and he's not staying here for college and I am. Plus I'm not a huge fan of LDR (Long Distance Relationships).

2. Maybe I need a boyfriend so I would be very sure that I'd have someone to dance with on prom for the first dance.

3. I miss intimacy, I have always been the romantic time and I miss all the hugging, and holding hands.

4. What if the right person for us both would be in the colleges we would be attending? Would it be worth the break-up and the pain if I ever would say yes?

5. He's too good for me. The past girls he courted were on the top list of "prettiest girls on the Juniors and Seniors".

6. And he's super smart and it'd be a challenge to compete against him.

I'm just not sure if it's going to be worth it. I'm just not attracted to anyone right now, not since my break-up with boy that happened 3 months ago. Or maybe I'm the one that's not letting any love in? Seeing my friends who are -more attractive than me that had never had a boyfriend before still being happily single. It made me realize that for thirteen years I survived not having a boyfriend. What's another 13 years going to do to me? But then again I was never really like those single girls, I was more of the risk-taker type of girl. So I guess I'm stuck with my dilemma, and wondering if I'd ever get a college diploma 'cuz I have no idea what course to take after summer break.

A BRAT, not a BITCH

Spoiled brat?! If I were to speak before thinking I would strongly disagree to that name. After thinking about it, my mind just automatically gave me a solution to the problem on what I should and can say when someone calls me that.

Causes:

1. Being the only child, as expected from you, you'd be spoiled. Spoiled by the parents because all their love and affection would only focus on you alone. So you'd get whatever you want with out any hesitation.

2. Being spoiled by my boyfriend, or should I say ex-boyfriend. He was the first person ever in my 15 years of existence to call me a spoiled brat. Has he not been thinking straight?! Seriously? Has he forgotten that he offers to buy lunch for me? Well, I'd give him the money for my meal but then again he'd pay for the bottle of water. He never says no when I ask him to buy me a 70 pesos worth of pen, just for a pen people! It's that expensive.

Going back to the time when he called me a "spoiled brat", I didn't take it as an insult. I took it as a compliment. Weird right? Yeah, well, I'm on of Cher Lloyd's little brats. It's what she calls her followers. Back to me now.

When I take actions I don't really reflect on them at an early time, which means I'm not really the one to blame for becoming a spoiled brat. In fact it's the people around me that should be blamed. Though I don't like to blame anyone. Anyways, that clears my case that I'm not guilty for making myself a spoiled brat.

(below)

Cher Lloyd

artist, song writer, performer

my blog dedicated to her: http://cherlittlebratlloyd.tumblr.com/

Fighting Back By Doing Nothing

So here, my ex-boyfriend (let's call him 'BOY'), and his new girlfriend (GIRL); they're messing with me again but apparently it has no effect on me. Just because this actress Andi Eigenmann was on Deal or No Deal on ABS-CBN, and she chose the briefcase number 23. And 23 is BOY and GIRL's monthsary, and BOY's and mine used to be 21. They kept on sending group messages saying "Andi likes 23 better than 21. 21, ewww!" And I was just sitting in our living room, reading their texts and I'm pretty sure they're having fun and laughing.

Which brings to my realization. I used to be like them, back when I was still with BOY. There was this girl (Dani), she has a crush on BOY. Both of us were upset by that, because Dani and BOY were classmates and Dani would get really close to BOY. I used to be such a 'bitch' to Dani, well not at her face. But when she's around or even not, BOY and I would talk about her and back bite her. We just laughed about it, laughing at her because she looked desperate and acting like a slut. When we broke up, I realized I was at my worst when I was with him. I never wanted to be that person again. I was like one of the girls from the movie Mean Girls with Lindsey Lohan in it.

I realized what I did was wrong, who I am was not the person I'm supposed to be. If my parents, grandfather, and the other top people I could let down knew about that side of me back then, they would've been very disappointed of me. Thinking that BOY is now changing GIRL, making her become the person I used to be when I was with him, I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for GIRL for being dragged into BOY's wrong doing. But I feel more sorry for BOY for not realizing what he's done to GIRL. It's like it's a part of him to act that way towards people who fancy him and not even realizing that what he's doing is wrong and is not making any of them a better person.

I just wish they'd realize that what their doing is wrong and they should stop acting that way because it's really childish.