Birthday Mad Day

So my darling friend is celebrating her 17th birthday today and like a specific time was set for us to leave and go to our destination which is a resort 30 mins away from the city. and around 30 mins before our departure I texted her and she said no one has showed up yet. And I heat inside me started to boil my blood because I truly hate late comers. That's the situation.

My mom told me that I should just drop it and cancel and I got even more upset because what kind of person am I really? Does she not even know me at all? Just because it's mother's day she could say those things. I don't give up on my friends that easily unless it's a school work. :D But even more now that I won't give up because it's her birthday! And she's celebrating it a day ahead because we, her friends, are not available tomorrow because we got summer classes.

I called my boyfriend to talk to someone and take my mind off things but he just added to the frustration because he's going out and have fun somewhere with his cousin and leave his phone at home because he said he's downloading some apps for his new phone. URGH! I am so mad right now. Typing these things just lightened up the weight on my shoulders a bit. just A BIT.

October 22, 2013

I know for the past months, I have been searching for a guy and hoping that someday he'll become my boyfriend. I have encountered a couple of guys and recently I met a guy who I thought was different. Well he was different, but in a bad way because he seemed to only use me for personal gain and it took me two months to open up my own eyes and realize that he was just wrong for me.

During the second month, another person came into my life. I never wanted to fall for him, but you know what they say "the more you stay away from something, the more it'll come to you." So I was haunted for a couple of days until I finally admitted it to myself that I have finally fallen for someone without forcing myself to fall for them. I mean I never asked for that guy but instead God gave him to me. Ever since then I thought of him as a blessing and not another guy problem.

Reflect myself

Let's reflect for a while. My exes, yes they're a mess months after they broke up with me. It's not that the break-up was my fault, but they were the problem. They weren't meant for me, my other half still hasn't arrived. I was just too distracted of having a boyfriend to realize it.

After my break-up with Arvin, I felt more alive and free. I was more happy with who I am, not worrying about someone. Spending more time with my friends, figuring out who I really am. I spent the last 7 months of high school the way it was supposed to be lived.

So now I am happy with my true, loyal friends. I'm becoming more mature and more independent of others. I am a HAPPY BITCH.

March 7, 2013

                Today is the day that I realized I am starting to have feelings for this person who I’ve know for four years now. His name is Stuart, he’s supposed to be my batch mate but he had to repeat first year high school. Yesterday, around 5pm in the afternoon at the school grounds. I saw him with his grade 9 friend (I don’t know the name of the girl). They were sitting so close to each other at the bottom of the flag pole and as I was glancing at them as I passed by I felt jealous. For the first time in a few months, I’ve actually felt jealousy.

                But that’s no my worry tonight. I can conclude that my feelings for Stuart is starting to develop, but I can ask this; “is he the next guy I’d say those 3 words 8 letters to?”. As you should know, I’m always in this situation where my theme song would be “Torn Between Two Lovers”. Well, in my situation right now I only have one lover, Stuart. My dilemma you ask?

Stuart is a fun person, being with him makes me feel free, bubbly, risk anything in my life. He lets me express the wild side in me. Comparing my life to Chuck, Blaire and the Lord of somewhere, Chuck is Stuart, and Chris is the Lord of somewhere.

Chris is the person where I can see the kind of elite-ish life I want to have. My classy side shows up when he’s around. Knowing Chris comes from a really rich family, plus he’s smart in almost everything and should I add he’s got this amazing body that I just want from a guy? When I think about my future with Chris, I see that I could have everything that I want. From where I want to live, the house I want to have, the lifestyle I want to live, down to the sex life I want. I’d get everything I want.

With Stuart, I can’t tell how my future would be. I mean, he’s not that smart nor that dumb, not sure about the family background though, I’m not even sure about getting everything that I want. But I am sure I’ll have the wildest adventures with him along the way. But where will it lead? I might end up as one of those people who’ll send their kids to a public school, no! I’ve never been to a public school in my life, except from nursery to kinder. Where will it lead me when I’m with him?

Chris, I can set my future already. Have it all planned even before I finish painting my nails red. Stuart, I’ll have to do a lo of guessing. I’ll have to think hard, plan hard, think again, then re-plan all over again. Listening, I mean thinking about these two guys makes me sound so desperate and over thinking. Come on! Christopher Klein Asinas has his heart set for a different girl right now, not me. He haven’t even changed his mind after he knew I still had feelings for him. Stuart Joseph Ponce says he has his heart just for me alone and no one else, his feelings for me seemed to no have changed since a year ago when he courted me and I turned him down.

So who is it? What should I do? What choice can I make? A. Let go of Chris and go for Stuart ‘cuz he can make you happy, he expresses his love for you like no other. He can show you the world with a different perspective. B. Don’t give up on Chris, to succeed means to never give up. With him, you an experience a long distance relationship, the one you’ve always wanted to try. C. Wait for college, maybe there’s a better guy there just waiting for you. D. What if Stuart is the guy? Since he lets you float on clouds and run on the water. E. What id Chris is t guy? You know he’s truly a nice person even if he disagrees with you. Stuart makes you do risks, Chris challenges you in a whole new level.

These guys are driving me crazy!

March 5, 2013

I received this question saying “If the w0rld will end t0m0rr0w, wh0 will be the last pers0n that u want t0 say i l0ve u? And why?” It made me stop and think on who’s name I should answer to that question. To tell you the truth, I’d be lying if I’d day “my parents” or “my family”. So who is it really? The lucky person who’d be the one to hear me say those 3 words, eight letters? He can’t be my crush (Chris), that’s impossible. I don’t even love him. Couldn’t be my ex-boyfriend, he doesn’t deserve my last “I love you”.

I thought about my best friends; Cloe, Alloy, Kezeah, and Lenny. Doesn’t sound right either. Even though if I’d say it to my best friend, I don’t have one because I have four for the meantime. So that won’t work. Next, I thought about Christer, I’m still a bit upset with him but he still doesn’t deserve what I’m about to say. I thought about Stuart, Jojo. He just might make the cut, but why do I love him if I’d say it to him? Do I even have to answer why we love a person? I thought about it again and I just knew he’s not the one person I’m meaning to say my “I love you” to.

After a few moments of thinking about it while writing whatever I’m saying in my head, it finally struck me. Only one person deserves my Love the way no other person in this world does, not even my parents. I was brought to a conclusion that GOD deserves my I LOVE YOU. No one has ever loved me as greatly as He did. No one as unconditional, no one as much. So I guess that’s my answer to the question given by Stuart through ask.fm. GOD.

Chuck and Blair?

Earlier tonight I thought that our relationship was like Chuck's and Blair's during the Season 1 of Gossip Girl. You know the one where it seems like all that Chuck cares about it ruining Blair's reputation and her feelings? I felt that way tonight, being the victim and all. If you should know, Chuck is Chris and I am Blair. I felt him coming at me with everything he's got against me and I tried to deny everything he said but I knew I was never going to win against a member of the Debate Club. So I did the most womanly thing I could do in the age of 16; surrender and admit everything.

I told him everything I knew, everything I did, and everything he wanted to know. But I still have no clue if he's satisfied or not. Anyway, after giving in we kept on talking about it. I realized he wasn't coming at me at all. He just wanted to know the truth because he knew I was completely bothered by the issue on the past. He it all along and I wonder how often he thought about it. When he said "I am just trying to get in to you. I feel like you haven't accepted it. I asked you a long time ago, you didn't want to bring it up. So I'm here to put it out and be here to help you even in some way." But the most mind-opening thing he said was, "Hey, always remember, if you are once miserable, it's not you. Don't settle for being you but you committed  a big mistake that made you change. How can you really show YOU if some part of you gives in to the person you think you are in the past?" Of all everything he said, the most shocking thing I heard (or should I say read) him say was, "I asked but you didn't want to talk about it. That's why I like to end the matter now. I care for you pud biya." I told him I knew he cared for SOME people, but I never knew I was a part of that list.

Realizing he's still my friend even though we've just recently developed our relationship, I am now aware that he is capable of caring deeply for someone even without any intimate feelings towards the person. And to think I almost questioned our friendship.

Worst Thing You Could Do To A Person?

I may just be the worst person in the world right now. I'm seriously considering that label for myself. You see, I have a friend, his name is Christopher. We have a short history where he confessed to me (if I remember the date right) last September 2011 that he had feelings for me. Of course I was surprised because I never saw sign from him. And I'm the kind of person who notices signs easily! But then he was too late that time because I was already in a relationship with someone. And now, months later, now that I'm single again we became closer friends.

I felt something for him that lasted for a week or so then it disappeared. So I guess that was just an attraction. I still played along and used my charismatic powers to drag him towards me. And I think it sort of worked. When he asked me if I liked him as more than I friend, I sort of lied and said "yes". And when I asked him the same question, he said "of course". And when at school and especially when we text or chat I act like I'm falling for him. And it's not even a challenge for me to act like I do because I really don't know why. :D

I keep on debating whether I should tell him the truth or not but I'm just afraid of how he may react. So I just say to myself, "maybe I can learn to love him".