Good Different

I always knew I was different. I grew up with my cousins around me but I was always left out. Even their parents do not want me to spend much time with them. I was always pushed away. Growing up I soon realized that I am more like my mother, she grew up with a different perspective and I can sense it was quite difficult and challenging to adopt to the new family she has to live with - my father’s. At present she seems fine with everyone around but if you look closely, you will sense the tension. How she shields herself even before any sign of attack has shown. I am at a better position than her right now because I can mingle a bit with my cousins but there’s that sense of awkwardness around the elders.

I do not recall being bullied at school, I say that is a good thing because I am the type of person who looks back in the past very often. One of the points of how I am different. From where I have lived since I was babe, people her always look forward for the future and barely look at the past. In high school I could now tell I was a bit distant to all my other classmates because when I graduated I realized how little close friends I have and non of them are long-term. It started here where I like to stay indoors and surf the net, or toggle with Photoshop, and play around with Sony Vegas. That made me isolate myself from the people outside but I was and am somehow fine with it because I love what I do.

Now in college I have made a new set of friends who I am not very sure if they will last forever but I know they are keepers. They know I am different, VERY different from the ordinary people that they know. Like how I prefer American shows that local ones, beyond that I love Broadway shows made to movies, how I speak and understand English MORE than I could with our own Tagalog, how I can understand the British accent while they have no clue, and of course my obsession to my One True Paring in Fanfictions - Jelsa (Jack Frost of Rise of the Guardians x Elsa of Frozen). Compared to my mother, well we both have exotic tastes but in different parts of it. I cannot compare the level though.

I have accepted my difference and how I cannot freely talk to people about my perspective which is why I turn to the internet and talk to people on different sites who have the same interests with me, but I still wish that there were someone close by who I can feel physically to sit with me and just talk and understand everything or just most of it.

Black Star

Black Star

by Ana Irenea Olmedo

December, December,

O how I remember,

 The cold wind against my cheek

My lips kissed by the poorly lit night.

I never thought I'd miss it

Having you by my side.

The stars in the sky,

The stars by the window,

we adore

 I remember you,

I remember love,

I remember it all,

I remember us.

I made up this poem last night just before I went to sleep. My boyfriend has been miles away from me for 5 months now. Whenever I'm at school and I walk past the places where we used to recollect a lot I tend to miss him. This December has been the first time where I actually missed him when I'm at school and I wanted to cry but I can't because I'm in public.

I sent this poem as a group message last night to him and to my friends. No feedback was given. I wonder if he even read it. I just miss him and I'm going to miss him more this Christmas and New Year because he's not coming home. :(

Back to Being Zero?

I am well aware that no one reads my blog. Well, I have many blogs but this is my personal blog. Which is why I feel perfectly safe in talking about anything I like here. It's been a while since I last posted. I always find myself talking to myself out loud when no one's around. It's fun for me. I realize things that I've observed and some I share to my boyfriend when I realize them during our talk on the phone.

When I realize things or reflect on specific situations I would always wish I could blog them or write them down but then I'd have to look for a pen and paper. While looking for such my mind would be forced to be on hold and letting my fairy dust dissolve in the corners of my mind. It's such a shame I wont get to keep a record of my mind's realizations but I'd take them as a gift that is for me alone and can never be retrieved. You see, I speak them out loud yet I can never remember them after that.

I just feel like talking right now, which is why I'm blogging. :)

Dreams and Addiction

I can now conclude that I am addicted to this new Manga-turned-to-Anime series. The series is called Sword Art Online (family photo below). This series is about people from young ages to old ones and they meet in a virtual world where you can kill people, fly, play with swords, guns, be able to face your fears and just be an entire different person from who you truly are.

In my dream, I was well aware that I wasn't in a game. Only that I was influenced by the show I watched. This morning I dreamed about physically hurting my boyfriend's sister. I knew that I was doing wrong but I didn't mind because I was frustrated by her. I kept on pulling her hair and hitting her head on the walls. The most frustrating part was she never looked hurt. 

In my other dream just 40 minutes ago, I was in a different place. There were car chasing, different people, Arabs, Americans, Filipinos, my family was there. 3 of us had this invisibility power. Anyway, I was beside the driver through a rough and muddy path up the mountain but I wasn't scared at all. In fact, I was enjoying it. Then the scene changed, it was a ride like a roller coaster but wet. It had huge logs rolling side by side to carry our boat up to the top and when we got there it paused to dry our clothes and clear the boat with water. Eventually it dropped us and we got wet again. And the scene changed again, we were in an actual roller coaster and the ride had just started. We were about to begin with the fast speed of the roller coaster when I noticed that people were near the rails and I got worried they'd get hit. I was beginning to imagine blood all over my face. But before we could begin with the fast speed of the ride I woke up.

Now I don't know how to explain those dreams of mine but they had 1 thing in common, it was set in a carnival. The first dream we were captured and taken to a carnival. There was even a crying baby in the scene. So I guess since I watched SAO a lot these past 2 weeks, I could say I can blame them. But I'm going to observe myself if I'll have a common dream tonight.

How Life is Seen By the Many

A quick post before I go to bed.

People say to spend our time wisely and do things that we won't regret because we only have one life to live. Fact is we have a lot of lives. We can decide to change the course of our life every single day. Be a different person today, and a different one tomorrow. Depends on how you want to live. My point is, some people say that a woman starts living when she's married. Men haven't lived until they've been drunk. Being too careful in life is no fun. Hesitating is no fun. Everything is about fun because what good is the life given to you if you're not enjoying it?

How to Balance Boyfriend and School

A few weeks ago one of my friends asked me how do I balance my life between my boyfriend and school. It's not that difficult for me since I have the perks of having a great and awesome boyfriend.

• I don't stress myself on balancing the equation. - I let this fly.
• I trust my boyfriend that he won't do anything stupid.
• School is school and whatever grade I get is all I could give.

Bonus:

My boyfriend already graduated college and is currently working far from where I am now. Yeah, LDR (Long Distance Relationship)

• He's busy with work in the morning. - Means I don't have to worry about missing his calls.
• He cares for my education. - Reminds me constantly about school work.
• We belong in the same college. - I can have further explanations and insights on my diff. subjects.
• He's smart. - I can ask him whatever I want.
• He offered that if I had any questions or need any help with school, he's there. - All hail my boyfriend. 

Collegiate Confidence

Ever since I got into college all I could think about was starting fresh and forgetting all the mistakes and regrets I had in high school. I never though about finding love, wanting to be one of those contestants in pageants and representing my college, nor did I wonder if I'd be able to raise my confidence. But I did.

I found the all-most right peers for me, I'm still not sure if they're THE ONE. They make me feel superior at some point, especially because I'm the most fluent in the English language in the group and they look up to me for that. But it's because of them that I'm motivated to keep up with my studies because all of them are grade oriented and they worry a lot about school.

Things changed for me ever since my boyfriend came along. His name is Aljon and he's four years older than me. I've never met a boy like him before. He's so open about himself and he barely hides his feelings and reactions. He usually says what his mind is saying. I look up to him and I've never accepted myself this much before. Plus he helps me a lot with my studies.

Our Finance1 teacher is one of my favorite teachers right now. I like to attend her class and I'm always energized no matter what. I'm putting pressure on myself since the major I'd be taking is Financial Management but she makes things really easy. I'm not afraid to speak up in class which I guess is why my mind is not in a little box during her period.

All of these have contributed to my success in gaining more confidence and I thank these people for helping me achieve that. Having people to push you will only take you half way, it's within your will to meet your standards.