Chuck and Blair?

Earlier tonight I thought that our relationship was like Chuck's and Blair's during the Season 1 of Gossip Girl. You know the one where it seems like all that Chuck cares about it ruining Blair's reputation and her feelings? I felt that way tonight, being the victim and all. If you should know, Chuck is Chris and I am Blair. I felt him coming at me with everything he's got against me and I tried to deny everything he said but I knew I was never going to win against a member of the Debate Club. So I did the most womanly thing I could do in the age of 16; surrender and admit everything.

I told him everything I knew, everything I did, and everything he wanted to know. But I still have no clue if he's satisfied or not. Anyway, after giving in we kept on talking about it. I realized he wasn't coming at me at all. He just wanted to know the truth because he knew I was completely bothered by the issue on the past. He it all along and I wonder how often he thought about it. When he said "I am just trying to get in to you. I feel like you haven't accepted it. I asked you a long time ago, you didn't want to bring it up. So I'm here to put it out and be here to help you even in some way." But the most mind-opening thing he said was, "Hey, always remember, if you are once miserable, it's not you. Don't settle for being you but you committed  a big mistake that made you change. How can you really show YOU if some part of you gives in to the person you think you are in the past?" Of all everything he said, the most shocking thing I heard (or should I say read) him say was, "I asked but you didn't want to talk about it. That's why I like to end the matter now. I care for you pud biya." I told him I knew he cared for SOME people, but I never knew I was a part of that list.

Realizing he's still my friend even though we've just recently developed our relationship, I am now aware that he is capable of caring deeply for someone even without any intimate feelings towards the person. And to think I almost questioned our friendship.

Worst Thing You Could Do To A Person?

I may just be the worst person in the world right now. I'm seriously considering that label for myself. You see, I have a friend, his name is Christopher. We have a short history where he confessed to me (if I remember the date right) last September 2011 that he had feelings for me. Of course I was surprised because I never saw sign from him. And I'm the kind of person who notices signs easily! But then he was too late that time because I was already in a relationship with someone. And now, months later, now that I'm single again we became closer friends.

I felt something for him that lasted for a week or so then it disappeared. So I guess that was just an attraction. I still played along and used my charismatic powers to drag him towards me. And I think it sort of worked. When he asked me if I liked him as more than I friend, I sort of lied and said "yes". And when I asked him the same question, he said "of course". And when at school and especially when we text or chat I act like I'm falling for him. And it's not even a challenge for me to act like I do because I really don't know why. :D

I keep on debating whether I should tell him the truth or not but I'm just afraid of how he may react. So I just say to myself, "maybe I can learn to love him".

Is He Capable of Change?

Change is constant right? I do believe people change but the change that's constant is their minor attributes. What about the major ones? I'm talking about this because my "friend" that I'm still mad at for some reason won't stop contacting me. He won't stop reaching out to me and I know how it feels like to be pushed away when you're trying to hard to reach out to that person. Which is why I can't just ignore him.

It's been like 7 months now I guess since I last saw him. We just text and we chatted once on facebook after he left for his training to be a sea man. He updates his profile whenever he can and seeing his physical attributes, he looks better now. He used to have color on his hair which was brown-ish and he kept on wearing his earing. When we talk on the phone he never said he misses me, but I can still tell his feelings for me are still there. But maybe because he hasn't interacted with other girls that much because he's touring the Philippines for now. His way of talking to me is different now, he seems to be nicer and less perverted. I can play along with that kind of texting but it usually pisses me off.

He's aware that I'm still mad at him and I haven't completely forgiven him yet. He says he's coming home this month and I have no idea what day it would be. I'm hoping and praying that he won't come and meet me nor seek for me because I have no interest on seeing him. But I can't shake this feeling inside me that maybe he's a whole new person now. We can start over as acquaintances and forget the past. That's just my kind heart who's hoping that is speaking. We just never know do we?